A Les Mis Parody
by AzureOtter
Summary: A parody of Les Mis! This is my first ever parody, so please be kind...
1. Chapter 1

**Okay, so for people who like my other stories, "Fantine's Trials" will be updated over the weekend, and "A Hopeful Encounter" will be updated maybe in the weekend, otherwise sometime next week. I just had to write this parody, to take a break from my sadder stories. :) I'm sorry if the first chapter sucks, I've never written a parody before. The story will get better, I promise, so bare with me! **

_The CONVICTS arrange themselves in order, shoving each other and trying to get into places before the show starts. The lights go up. _

Convict one: Look down, look down, don't look 'em in the eye.

Convict two: Dude, that was totally a chorus line!

Convict one: Was not!

Convict two: Was too!

Convict three: Look down, look down, I feel I'm going to die.

_The DIRECTOR puts his head in his hands._

_JAVERT enters._

Javert (in a self-satisfied tone): Now bring me prisoner 24-what was the number again? Oh, yeah! 24601! You're time is up and your parole's begun! You know what that means.

JEAN VALJEAN: Um...No, actually. Would you please enlighten me?

Javert: With pleasure. It means you get your golden ticket of leave. You are a thief!

_He shoves the "ticket" into Valjean's hand. _

Valjean: This is yellow.

Javert: So?

Valjean: You said golden.

Javert: Whatever! You are a thief!

Valjean: What? How dare you! I demand a lawyer.

Javert: You stole a loaf of bread!

Valjean: So? I can get away with it, the doctor says my weight is perfect for a man of my age.

Javert: Shut up! You need to learn the meaning of the law!

Valjean: And you need to learn the meaning of dieting.

Javert: Would you leave my weight out of this? The point is-_(dramatically): _five years for what you've done! I mean "did". Fourteen because you tried to run! Yes, 24106! Oh, I always mess up on that! I mean, 24601.

Valjean: My name is Jean Valjean.

Javert: And mine is...JAVERT! Do not forget my name! Do not forget me! 24106...

_The director is ready to kill himself as the convicts exit the stage._

Valjean: Freedom is mine.  
The stage is still.  
I feel no air conditioning.  
I sweat again.  
Seems like yesterday,  
I was playing Thenardier,  
How long will I be in this never-ending cycle of Les Mis?!  
How I long to play Chris,  
Or possibly John!  
Any "Miss Saigon" role will do!  
Captain Von Trapp,  
The King of Siam,  
The Phantom...  
_(Breaking his singing-mode): _Just please get me out of this never-ending cycle of 'Les Miserables'!

FARMER: Get out or I'll hit you with my pitchfork.

Valjean: *Skulks away*.

INKEEPER: I only serve the rich.

BISHOP: Oh, hey, random passer-byer! This isn't quite how it works in the book, but alright! Come on in! We've got food, water, and silver!

Valjean: *Steals food, water, and silver*.

POLICEMAN ONE: Mr. Bishop, man, this guy stole your silver. You wanna arrest him? He's already been in jail for nineteen years-one more and it will be an even number.

POLICEMAN TWO: I'm OCD, and I would kind of like it to be an even number.

Valjean: Shut the fuc-

Policeman one: No swearing in the Bishop's presence!

Bishop: Oh, it's alright, because I've bought his soul for God.

Valjean: Wow, thanks, man.

_The Policemen exit_, _along with Jean Valjean._

Jean Valjean: Oh my God, WHAT HAVE I DONE? I better become a mayor, break my parole, and change my name, not necessarily in that order.

_Valjean leaves. _

**Please leave a kind review! Constructive criticism is fine, but no flames, please! The next chapter will feauture "At the End of the Day", "I Dreamed a Dream", "Lovely Ladies", and "Fantine's Arrest". **

**-AzureOtter **


	2. The Fantine Sequence

**Hey guys! So here's chapter two! Thanks for the kind reviews, I was unsure about this story and so I really appreciate it.**

**I don't own Les Mis.**

THE POOR: At the end of the day we're even more sad.  
And we've been having affairs with the factory foreman,  
So our children suddenly don't have dads;  
'Cause they divorced us.

At the end of the day we're even more miserable.  
Have you seen the play's title?  
It suits us quite well.  
And we're trying our best  
To not become whores

FAT LADY: 'Cause those flimsy garments don't suit my figure that well.

LADY WHO IS PROBABLY GOING TO GET THROWN OUT OF THE FACTORY BECAUSE SHE REFUSES TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THE FOREMAN (No, this is not Fantine-she doesn't have a child): I demand unemployment.

FACTORY GIRL ONE (Who is really in her fifties, but the director doesn't care): Have you seen how hot the foreman is today?

FACTORY GIRL TWO: He's wearing that sexy blue scarf.

FACTORY GIRL THREE: I hope he notices me  
I did my hair just for him...

Factory girl two: He's so hot-  
I'd love to be raped and sent to the streets, if it could be by him.

Factory girl three: But his eyes are on Fantine,  
That pretty Asian girl whose supposed to be blonde,  
She's-

Factory girl one: LOOK! SHE HAS A LETTER!

_She excitedly snatches the letter out of Fantine's hands like a kid at a candy store._

Factory girl one: Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Uh-huh...Ooh, here we go! Money for your daughter, eh? You have a child, so you must be a whore.

FOREMAN: Did someone say whore? I like whores.

Factory girl one who will now be from now referred to as simply factory girl: Oh, foreman, she has a child! It's a huge crime, because she's not married!

FANTINE: But you and him are-

Factory girl: But I'm too old to have children, so there.

Jean Valjean (Who's watching offstage): Looks like you should be playing the old crone who cuts Fantine's hair.

Foreman: You refuse to make a child with me, but you'll make one with someone else? That's it-for your punishment you can go and become a prostitute.

_He literately kicks her out of the factory; Meanwhile, the director is considering what the least painful way to kill himself would be, and what the most painful way to kill the actors would be._

Fantine: I dreamed a dream in time gone by...  
This song is too long, I'm just gonna skip straight to the fun prostitution scene.

RANDOM AUDIENCE MEMBER: Wait, _prostitution? _I brought my eight-year-old to this!

SAILOR ONE: I smell women,  
Smell 'em in the air

SAILOR TWO: Think I'll drop me harbor in that-  
Oops! I mean, think I'll drop me anchor in that harbor over there.  
I always mess up on that.

Sailor one: Lovely ladies,  
Smell 'em through the smoke  
Seven months at sea can make you hungry for a poke.

Sailor three: Even stokers need a little stoke!

RANDOM PROSTITUTE: Ew.

WHORES: Lovely ladies,  
Why we playing this role?  
One minute we're in "Cabaret"  
And the next we're playing French poor.

LOVELY LADY ONE: I like the bar girl scene in "Miss Saigon"  
A whole lot better than this.

LOVELY LADY TWO: In that at least we look hot  
Bikinis, drinks, and whatnot.

LOVELY LADY THREE: Then we're serving marines with guns,  
Instead of smelly sailors with fleas.

DRUNK SAILOR: Come on, ladies, what you waiting for?

Fantine: Ooh, this looks fun!  
Come on, Captain,  
Those are really cute shoes-where'd you get them?  
Don't it make a change to have a girl who can't refuse  
Easy money lying on a bed  
Just as well they never see how much I hate this show  
Don't they know they're making love to one already playing Christine Daae!

BPlAMATOBIS: Ooh, you're ugly. Can I have you for five sous?

Fantine: You're willing to pay five sous for me? I'm flattered. But, really, you're a bit too ugly for my tastes. Have you ever thought of shaving your beard?

Bamatobis: Alright, that does it. Leave my beard out of this. JAVERT!

Javert: What's the problem? I was on my coffee break.

Bamatobis: She attacked me.

Fantine (At the same time): He tried to buy me.

Javert: Well, you are a whore, so he technically can do that. But it is illegal for you to attack him. Come on, you're going to jail, hussy.

Fantine: But I have a daughter!

Valjean (Who somehow arrives just on time): But, Javert, she's a poor person! I always help poor people! TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL!

_A carriage arrives just at the right time_.

Javert: But Monsieur Mayor-

Valjean: No, please, call me Jean Val-No, wait I didn't mean to say that!

RANDOM PASSER-BYER: Look out! It's a runaway cart!

**Please review!**


	3. The Runaway CartFantine's Death

**I hope you like this! I don't own Les Mis.**

Valjean: So where were we? Oh, yeah! I'm gonna use my big manly muscles to lift this cart of this poor man!

_He tries to life the cart, but fails._

Valjean: Here, let me just-uh-try again.

_Once again, he fails. Javert smirks with amusement. _

FAUCHELEVENT: Monsieur le Mayor! What the hell are you doing? Help me, you idiot! Stop showing off your muscles!

_The entire crowd bursts out laughing. Valjean turns bright red._

Valjean: Sorry, man, I didn't have my protein shake this morning. And I worked out hard yesterday. Takes a lot of work, saving prostitutes and all that superhero stuff. Um...One more try. Then we'll make the funeral arrangements. Do you prefer wide or narrow coffins? For colors, black or black...

Fauchelevent _(panicked): _Monsieur le Mayor!

Valjean: Oh, right, of course. And-Ahhhh! That hurt my arm! Hey, it worked!

Fauchelevent: Monsieur le Mayor, you are, like, so a saint! You're the Zeus to my little weak self, the sun to my plants, the-

Valjean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard it all before.

Javert: You remind me of this criminal I once knew! You-Wait! You are him!

Valjean: Gotta run.  
WHO AM I?  
I'm Jean Valjean!

Javert: Yeah, I think I already guessed that. Come on, let's-Wait, where'd he go?

* * *

Valjean: Oh, Fantine, now we'll never be able to have that midnight dinner on the Eiffel Tower!

Fantine: Shut up, I wanna die in peace.

Valjean: Aren't you gonna ask where Cosette is?

Fantine: Oh, yeah. Where's Cosette?

Valjean: With some abusive inkeepers in Monterfuimel. Or however you spell it. I looked it up but Google had no results for it.

Fantine: You have to save her!

Valjean: Okay. Now listen, babe, we gotta hurry.

Fantine: Why are you calling me babe?

Valjean: The fangirls love it. Of course, not everyone ships Faljean, but-

Fantine: Not everyone ships _what_?

Valjean: Faljean. You know, you combine Fantine and Valjean, and-

Fantine: I get it. Wait, whose Valjean?

Valjean: Um...Oh, good, Javert's here. Now I won't have to answer that question. Javert, I challenge you to a fight!

Fantine: *Dies of boredom*. (Literately.)

Valjean: As it says in the book...YOU HAVE KILLED THIS WOMAN!

Javert: Whoa, man, take it easy. Listen, you're coming with me.

Valjean: I think not. *Knocks Javert over the head with a piece of wood*.

Valjean: Well, that was easy. See ya!

_He runs out of the room._

**REVIEW!**


	4. Name problems and a Not-so-Master of the

**I don't own Les Mis.**

LITTLE COSETTE: There is a castle on a cloud...I dreamed a dream...Where is love...It's a hard knock life...Ah, what the heck, they all blend together.

MME. THENARDIER: Hello, I'm back! Cosette, have you been a bad girl as usual while 'Ponine and 'Zelma are angels?

Cosette: In your dreams.

Mme. What was that?

Cosette: Nada.

M. THENARDIER: Hey, honey, time to go go get people drunk.

YOUNG EPONINE: Can I watch?

M. Thenardier: Hey! Come one, come all! But remember, the bridal suite is occupied.

Mme: Yeah, he sleeps in it alone.

Thenardier: *Death glare*.

_Valjean comes barging in. _

Valjean: Where's Cojette? Or whatever the name was.

M: Oh, you must mean Colette.

Valjean: Or maybe it was Conette?

Mme: You're both so stupid, it's obviously Cobette .

Valjean: Idk. I wrote it down on my new iPhone 4s, but someone stole that.

M: (*Whistling casually*) Well, I wonder who that could be?

_Cosette appears._

Valjean: Copette, baby!

Cosette: (*Confused*) My name's not Copette, Monsieur.

Mme: See, I told you it was Cobette!

Cosette: No, it's Co-

Mme: Don't you dare talk back to me, you little whore!

Valjean: Well, whatever your name is, I'm your daddy and I'll take care of you!

Cosette: Yay!

M: Well, of course, we must settle on a price-

Valjean: Fifteen hundred.

M: Sold.

Mme: WTF?

Valjean: Careful, Madame, there are children here. Come, Cosette.

_Mme. continues to be agressivs towards her husband. Her charming shouts of "You idiot!" can be heard from a mile away._

__**That was fun to write. Thanks for all the great support this story has been getting. If you keep on supporting me, I'll keep on writing! I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! **

**-AzureOtter**


	5. Enjo the Barbie and Song Stealing

**I'm back with more ridiculousness! Thank you to all the people who reviewed. You are the best. I feel so giddy whenever someone leaves me a review. All of you get cookies!**

**Disclaimer: Do you really think Victor Hugo would ever let me lay a finger on his classic novel? **

*YEARS LATER*

BEGGARS: Look down  
And see  
How we're bored to death.  
Look down-

Convicts: Hey, you stole our song!

GAVROCHE: Hello, kids, meet the star of the show! *Starts doing a tap dance with a cane*.

RANDOM POOR PERSON: Well, that was weird.

Eponine who is older now: I don't know him.

_ENJORLAS and MARIUS step on stage._

FAN GIRLS: Enjo, we love you!

Marius: What about me?

Enjorlas who is played by Michael Maguire from the tenth anniversary: Well, I look like a Man Barbie Doll, so...

Marius: *Pouts*.

Eponine: Hey, Marius!

Marius: Oh, no, hide me.

Eponine: Silly boy, what were you doing behind that bush?

Marius: Er...Seeing if it needed watered?

Eponine: Ooh, books! I can read, you know.

Marius: What a surprise.

Eponine: What'd you say?

Marius: Nothing.

Cosette: *Drops textbooks from backpack like in a cheesy modern day movie*.

Marius: *Picks them up*.

*Stare into each other's eyes.*

Marius: I think I'm in love. You take AP math, too?

Valjean: Come, Cosette.

Thenardier: Dude, could you help my baby? It's-Wait, I know you! You're Jean Valjean!

Valjean: What are you talking about? I'm Neajlav Neaj!

_Cosette looks at him oddly._

Valjean: *Whispering* Jean Valjean backwards.

_Javert strolls by._

Javert: You're being disruptive! Who started this?

Thenardier: Him-

_But Jean Valjean is gone._

Javert: Hmm, he ran from a police officer after getting in trouble...That's so rare, so he must be a convict. Hey, maybe he's Jean Valjean!

**I know that was short and wasn't my best chapter...But I didn't get much sleep and I have a bad headache. In case you're wondering, the "Enjo" thing was because we put on our own production of Les Mis with our cousins, and my cousin Amber didn't know how to spell Enjorlas, so she wrote "Enjo". :) And also, I like Michael Maguire's singing, but I saw some clips of him in the tenth anniversary, and he had a lot of makeup and his hair was slcked back and the first thing I thought when I saw him was, "He looks like a barbie doll." But I love his singing so much it doesn't matter. :)**

**Do review! **


	6. Five bucks and a Flash Mob

**I don't own Les Mis, but I do love reviews. And cookies. Wow, that was random. Which reminds me...Chocolate chip cookies for everyone! I have such AWESOME reviewers!**

**(let's see if anybody catch the "Cats" lyric. (HINT: Javert sings it.)) **

**Oh, and also, people have been asking me why I capitalize names sometimes. It's because when it's a character's first appearance in a play, script writers usually capitalize their name at that first appearance.**

Javert: Stars...

All alone in the moonlight...

Oh, wait, I'm mixing up songs. Hey, look, The Great Dipper!

_Meanwhile..._

Marius: Eponine! I need you to do something!

Eponine: Oh? Oh, Marius, I knew you would ask someday! Should we go to my place or your's?

Marius _(Confused): _What?

Eponine: Nothing. _(Muttering): _Stupid schoolboy innocence.

Marius: Anyway, I need you to find that beautiful girl's address. All the females I have ever known are ugly ducklings compared to that swan.

Eponine: Thanks.

Marius: What? Oh, Eponine, you needn't take offense! You don't really fit into the category of female anyways!

Eponine: Gee, thanks again.

Marius: Come to think of it, you don't fit into any category.

Eponine: Why not just call me a frog?

Marius: Yeah, great idea! So will you do this for me?

Eponine: Depends. What's in it for me? A mansion? A picnic in the moonlight? A pass to Disney World or a five star hotel? A night of hot, frivolous passion at your place?

Marius: Uh, how about five bucks.

Eponine: Not even a date at the movies? Fine, I'll get the girl's address.

Marius: 'Pony! You're a savior! I don't know what I'd do without you!

Eponine: Just please, don't call me Pony.

Marius: Will do!

* * *

Enjorlas: Marius, what's wrong?

GRANTAIRE: A drink will clear your mind, buddy.

Marius: No, I'm not touching any of that stuff. It's probably homemade by you-which means it's poison.

Grantaire: I am offended! Here, we'll let Enjorlas test it first-

Enjorlas: *Shoving the bottle out from under his nose*. No, get that disgusting poison away from me.

Marius: See?

Grantaire: *Shrugs and takes a huge gulp, then chokes.

Enjorlas: Marius, tell us what's wrong.

Marius: I'm in love.

BAHOREL: Who's the lucky bride?

Marius: I don't know her name.

JEHAN: Well, how long have you known her?

Marius: Three blissful seconds.

Enjorlas *Rolls eyes*. RED! THE BLOOD OF ANGRY MEN!

FEUILLY: Hey, let's have a flash mob!

Grantaire: Good idea, we're going to the streets, everyone!

_Walking down the streets, they all sing:_

"Do you hear the people sing?

Singing the song of angry men.

It is the music of a people who will-"

"Boo! BOO! Booooo!"

_Fruit is thrown at them as people cover their ears on account of Grantaire's singing._

Grantaire: Hey! I'm not that bad!

Enjorlas: No, but people can smell your disgusting alcohol-stained breath from a mile away.

Grantaire: *Shrugs*. You know you love me. *Puts an arm around Enjorlas.

Enjorlas: Eww! Get it off, get it off, get it off! Cooties!

Marius: Oh, Cosette...


	7. Princesses, Wigs, and Song Cutting

**Hi, you wonderful people, animals, robots, whoever you are! How ye been? **

**So here's the next chapter of "A Les Mis Parody". Another story upon I am not that happy with the title. I hope you like this chapter! (Oh, and, just to let you know-the hilarious director, whom I have named Chris, is not gone forever. He will return...maybe. *Insert evil laugh*.) **

**Chris: I hate you.**

**Me: I know. **

***I don't own Les Mis.* **

* * *

Cosette: In my life,  
I'm so sweet and innocent and pretty, and all the first-time audience members love me...  
But the fangirls don't because they all root for Eponine and they think I should not be happy and it's my fault I have a happy ending.  
Which is unfair, no?"

LITTLE GIRL: Mommy, is she Cinderella?

Cosette: In my life,  
I used to have a big solo before this song called "I Saw Him Once" but they cut that out of all the later productions because it made the show too long...  
I ask you, why couldn't they have just cut out "On My Own"?

Eponine: Shut up.

Javert: Or maybe "I Dreamed a Dream", I really don't think that adds anything to the show.

Fantine: Oh, yeah? Well, maybe they could have cut out your precious "Stars".

Javert: *Gasp*.

Marius: What about "Bring Him Home"?

Valjean: Hey, you watch your mouth, that's a song dedicated to you. While we're at it, why not just cut out "Turning" and "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables"? Or "Master of the House"?

Thenardier: Hey!

Gavroche: Or "Castle on a Cloud".

Little Cosette: SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU, JUST...SHUT UP!

_They all cover their ears._

Javert: Wow, that girl has vocal chords.

Cosette: Papa, this is where you make an entrance!

Valjean: Oh, right. Ahem...*Straightens tie*. Cosette, you're such a bony child!

Cosette: Um, I think it's "lonely child".

Valjean: Oh. Oh, right, right.

_Outside the house:_

Marius: Eponine, thanks so much for bringing me here! I'll treat you to an ice cream cone later! Cosette, Cosette, let down your hair!

LITTLE GIRL'S SISTER: She's not Cinderella, she's Rapunzel!

Cosette: I can't, it's an expensive wig! And it took the hair stylists _forever _to make this braid!

Marius: Well, just come down here!

Cosette: Okay! *Comes down*.

M & C: A HEART FULL OF LOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Eponine: *Covers Ears*.

Thenardier: Hey, let's rob this place!

Eponine: No! I'm gonna scream!

T: Alright, she's gonna scream, and let me tell you, I've lived with this girl since she was born with a set of very strong vocal chords; And it's not pretty when she uses them. Troops, PULL BACK!

Eponine: Well, that worked.


	8. A Not-So-Epic ONE DAY MORE

**I had a hard time making this chapter really funny...So sorry if it sucks. :(**

Valjean: ONE DAY MORE!

Is that incorrect grammar? 'Cause I thought it was supposed to be "One more day", because "One day more" puts the adjective after the-

Marius: Shut up, it's time for my big romantic line!

I did not live until today...  
Wait, then how did I meet you before?  
How can I live when we are parted?

Cosette: Tomorrow you will...actually, be only an ocean away, but it's more romantic to say worlds  
And yet, with you, my world has started  
Wait, I own a world? I have my own world? Cool!

Eponine: One more day all on my own!

M & C: Will we ever sneeze again?

Eponine: *Raises eyebrows* I don't think those are the lyrics...

M & C: I was born to be with you!

Marius: Well, I kind of thought I was born to be a lawyer, but-

_Cosette punches him._

Marius: I guess being with you works too.

Eponine: What a life I might have known!

M & C: And I swear I-

Marius: Wait a second, I'm a lawyer, and I'm not rushing into anything. What are we swearing to do?

_Cosette precedes to punch him again._

Eponine: But he never saw me there!

Enjorlas: ONE MORE DAY BEFORE THE STORM!

Fangirls: 'Jorlas, WE LOVE YOU!

Fanboys: Ugh. He's not even that cute,

Marius: Do I follow where she goes?

Cosette: And how is that a choice for you?

Marius: Uh...

Enjorlas: At the barricades of freedom!

Marius: Shall I join my brothers there?

Courfeyrac: And how is that even a question for you?

Marius: Ugh, I'm being pulled both ways!

Enjorlas: As our ranks begin to form!

Marius: Do I stay or do I dare?

Grantaire: Look buddy, you survive either way and we don't, so I don't really think it matters.

Enjorlas: Will you take your place with me?

Chorus: The time is now, the place is HERE!

Valjean: One day more! (Is that all I get to say?)

Javert: One more day to revolution, we will nip it in the butt, I will join these little schoolboys, they will wet themselves with fright!

Eponine: Again, I don't think those are the lyrics...

Thenardiers: Watch 'em run amuck,  
Catch 'em as they fall  
Never know your luck when there's a free-for-all!

Marius: Oh, a free-for-all buffet?

Thenardier: Yeah, sure, kid.

Thenardiers: Here a little dip,  
There a little 'touch'  
Most of them are goners so they won't miss much!

Marius: Aha! 'Dip'! So it MUST be a buffet or something!

Students (GROUP 1): I VOTE FOR SKIPPING TO THE END OF THIS SONG!

Students (Group 2): YEAH!

Valjean: ONE MORE DAWN!

ONE MORE DAY!

ONE DAY MORE! (Again, bad grammar!)

* * *

**Stay tuned to see what happens during intermission! **


	9. Intermission

**So...hi...This chapter is kind of an odd one. It's a bit seperate from the rest of the story because it's** **not about the characters, but about the CAST who performs Les Mis. So...maybe you'll like this chapter, maybe you won't. I don't know. But give it a try? :) **  
**Thank you to all those who review, favorite, follow, and just plain read this. It means a lot. And I've never properly thanked all my guest reviewers, Iceflower, who reviews several of my stories and is an extremely wonderful reader of my works. You leave such great reviews, Iceflower! Thanks! And thank you to the wonderful TheIbis2010, BrandonMichelle, and ALL the other faithful reviewers and readers, and friends.**

INTERMISSION  
_Parents rush their screaming children to the restrooms (There is a line to the ladies room which twists two times around it's so long-I am speaking from experience, from when I saw Les Miserables on stage.) Old ladies criticize the show, popular teenagers roll their eyes, the geeky teenagers exclaim over how awesome it was, musical theatre people stand up in their seats and sing the songs, taking different parts, until a security guard tells them to sit down, and people who have seen the play before tell their friends, "Oh and you're not going to believe what happens to so-and-so!"_  
Meanwhile, backstage...  
Eponine: THAT WAS SO TOTALLY AWESOME.  
Valjean (_whose been in loads of shows before_): Yeah, yeah, whatever.  
Cosette: Hey, where's the director?  
Marius: Oh, you're right, I haven't seen anything of him!  
Cosette: Where do you think he went?  
Thenardier: Who cares. Ugh, amateurs.  
_He and Valjean share a look that clearly reads, "ugh, amateurs_."  
_The Director comes in._  
Fantine: There's the director!  
_They all spin around and look at her. She's filing her nails while sipping lemonade_.  
Valjean: Do you just sit back here and relax while we sing our butts off the entire time your character isn't on the stage?  
Fantine: *shrugs*. What else is there to do?  
_The Director looks like he's going to have a stroke._  
Director:_ (nearly in tears_) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO MY SHOW?!  
Javert: Sung it. What else would we do?  
Director: YOU DIDN'T SING IT. YOU DESTROYED IT!  
Fantine: Whoa, whoa. Now that's a little harsh. I sang beautifully.  
Valjean: (snorts-says in a not-so- whisper): Yeah, like Susan Boyle.  
Fantine: HOW DARE YOU! YOU KNOW I HATE BEING COMPARED TO SUSAN BOYLE JUST BECAUSE SHE SANG _MY_ HIT SONG! (**AN-Don't me mad at me, Boyle fans! I really do love Susan and have an album by her!)**  
Valjean: Okay, okay. Geeze, menopausal, middle-aged women.  
Fantine: FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I AM ONLY TWENTY TWO!  
Valjean: LIAR, LIAR PANTS ON FIRE!  
Fantine: I HATE YOU!  
Valjean: STOP SCREAMING!  
Fantine: I'M NOT SCREAMING!  
Valjean: I love you.  
Fantine: I love you too.  
(_They fall dramatically into each others arms and kiss passionately.)_  
(_The rest of the cast gapes. Eponine covers Gavroches' eyes.) _  
Javert: Well...That was odd.  
The Director: Excuse me while I go kill myself. Everyone in your costumes. On stage in five minutes!  
**Short chapter, but I dearly hope you liked it. :) I wrote it in the car on the way back from Chicago, where I went to the eye doctor, so sorry if there are any mistakes. Stay tuned to retun to the stage, and see what happens on the barricades!**


	10. How to NOT build a barricade

**Hi! So I hope you all got a chance to read the last chapter-it didn't show up on the site for some reason. So if you didn't get to read "Intermission" you can go back a chapter and read it now. :) I hope you like this chapter! Reviews are appreciated but not required!**

**By the way, I just found out "Enjorlas" is really spelled "Enjolras". HAVE I REALLY BEEN SPELLING IT WRONG ALL THIS TIME?!**

**As you all know, I don't own Les Mis. **

* * *

Enjolras: Okay, guys, this is a really tough, manly project. If you don't think you can handle it, you should leave now. Alright this is the project: We're gonna spend two hours putting a bunch of wood and furniture in a pile only so it can be blown up later, alright? Well, let's get started. These are the steps:

1. Grab your best furniture.

2. Grab a bunch of wood from your fires that keep you warm, and grab a bunch of wood from the poor. The wood keeps them warm, but hey, they can miss it for a few days until we win their freedom.

3. Put everything you collect, twigs, wood, furniture and all in a big pile

4. Put a flag on top.

5. And then when the fighting starts, the fire from the cannons will be the candles on the cake!

Wait a second! I need to know how strong the foe is.

Javert: Well, lucky you got me! Ahem, let's see here..._(Takes out sheet of paper and recites the words on it.)  
_I can find out the truth!  
I know their ways  
Fought their wars  
Served my time  
In the days  
Of my yooouuuuuttttttthhhhhhh!

Courfeyrac _(Whispering): _Well, that was, what, two hundred years ago?

Javert: *Death glare*

Marius: Eponine! Hey, Epps! Why are you a boy?

Eponine: SHHHHH! Can't you see I'm IN DISGUISE and don't want anyone to KNOW I'm really a girl, Mr. Antonym-of-subtle?  
Now: _(Puts on sugary-sweet smile) _I know this is no place for me, (Heck, I've seen worse) still I would rather be with you.

Marius: 'Ponine! You could be killed!

Eponine: I've got you worried now, I have, that shows you like me quite a lot...

Marius: OH MY! Eponine, if you die, you'll never be able to deliver this letter to Cosette!

Eponine: Gee, thanks for your concern...

Eponine: *Goes to the Rue Plumet*

Eponine: Hey, what's-your-name who my father wants to kill! I've got a letter for your daughter whom my mother wants to kill!

Valjean: _(Looks around to make sure Eponine is gone, and no one's around, before snooping in his daughter's mail._

_Reading the letter:_

Blah blah blah...

Yada yada yada...

Blah blah blah...

OH MY GOD! My daughter actually _likes _this boy? He doesn't even curve his t's! Well, he can't have her. She's mine, ALL MINE! Despite the fact that she's almost twenty, she can never love a boy!

_He tears up the letter._

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**Thanks for reading the latest installment of _A Les Mis Parody, _and thanks to my AWESOME readers! **

**-AzureOtter **


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